#88. Lost.

picture by corrri.tumblr.com

You woke up every morning, eyes staring widely upon the white ceiling above you, and you suddenly felt as though it had been a very long time since the last time you remembered feeling truly safe and happy. You realized the liquidity and the constant change in the people you go out with and the people you place your trust upon. And you suddenly find yourself craving dearly for something you can cling tightly upon, hoping to once again, find that utopia that you once thought was the world to you. You then let out a loud sigh, feeling helpless, cause you know now that that utopia had never existed in the first place.

You then realized, what is the point of looking backwards when all you need to do is to look forward. You thought you'd feel better, but then you realized you don't know what is there to look forward to. Success, achievements, big fat pay cheques; you were taught that those were the yardstick to happiness. Then you realized, that even though achieving the big three, happiness is still not within grasp. You feel lost, not knowing what you want or who you are anymore. 

You grew up learning more about yourself but at the very same time, you realized you have never felt all the more lost. You stubbornly cling on to your beliefs feeling that that is all you have left, you promised yourself to not lose that person who you once thought you were, not wanting to succumb to the gray world that we all live in today. Never understanding unkindness, never understanding betrayal and hurt, you never gave up holding on tightly to the tiny glint of hope that genuine kindness still exist amongst each other. Then you realized that everyone feels the same way as you do. You realized that everyone shed a little bit of themselves as the day pass by. You realized that everyone had just given up and learnt to be more selfish over time. And you realized that you don't blame them simply cause they are just as scared as you are.

You then started to run. Seeking for comfort in temporal things. You hide yourself away. You closed the doors to your heart and to your mind. You started to shy away from things that seemed too good to be true. You shield yourself from people you care about. You wished you could fly away. You learned to act nonchalant about your problems. You buried your tears with a crooked smile hoping that the fear and the hurt would go away and that you will find yourself again one fine day. Then, you realized that life is what made you, who you are today. 

You believed that there is more to life and you held on to that belief, day after day, year after year. You  cling on to the comforting idea of hope the diverse world have to offer. You know that you would eventually go with hopes that by submerging yourself in to the pool of lost souls in the world, you will once again, find yourself. You grasped on to that promise but fearful of what you might find or worse, what you might not find. But you know, you will still survive regardless, simply cause you know you are a fighter deep down. But then again, till that day comes, you wonder who would you be?

-melaniehwa.

# 87.

photo by sergey1984

With a heavy sigh, the tips of my lids shut tightly, shielding me from the gray sky shadowing above me. I saw your chiseled face and I remembered your cheeky smile. I remembered how I traced the edges of your strong jawline and how I couldn't help but to giggle along side with you as you held me tight in your embrace. I missed you.

It wasn't a fairy tale story; there weren't any carriages, there wasn't any fairy godmother, and there isn't any singing rodents at sight. It was by chance, that we have met, that we have shared what we had, that we are where we are today. We were both broken souls; wandering aimlessly through life, clinging on to the hope of something better. Scared and jaded, distant from what would seem too good to be true.

I remembered your fingers interlacing mine as we laid together, sharing our thoughts and I felt understood. I remembered you smiling goofily as you ran across the streets, like a child, eager to find out about the secret I just told you. You came back frowning, discouraged with what you knew. But you did not realize that you put a smile on my face. I remembered your gaze deeply lost into a sea of thoughts, amazed with what stood before you; a gaze I know so fondly of, a gaze that I myself shared. You held my hand, and you pulled me close to you. I am scared, flustered, but yet it all felt so right. I know I've found you.

I now sit here, wondering what could have been if things were handled differently. I couldn't help but to question why and how did I meet you. At the moment of my despair, I found you. You were different, you were what I have been looking for. I was lost for words. I was paralyzed. I was scared of the unknown and I have never met someone like you. Someone who hold true to who you are. But then again, things didn't work out as how I would want it to be. I had no regrets nor am I in angst. Knowing that I have already met someone so close to perfection, I am left wondering if I could find another you. I guess, I have no choice but to miss you and to go on with life wishing that I would heal in time for the next guy to sweep me off my feet. I'm not worried, but it is just the power of a broken heart that is slowly but surely healing itself.

Inspirations.

# 86. Sans de La Vie. Chapter 2.

Chapter 2.

It was the election period. A small 15 inch idiot box located amongst tiers of dusty shelves housing hundreds of brewed alcohol from all over the world and some even possibly older than I am, projected the voice of a self-assured, confident man, probably in his early thirties. Though calm and unbias throughout his announcement on the latest updates about the current presidential run, I can almost be certain that this man had his hands down for the Republicans.

A trucker was sitting across the bar; his bulging belly uncovered by his tight grease stained tee, holding chilled beer in one hand, and the other, busy mending to his temples, massaging them. His eyes focused as though he is lost in a dimension no one else know of but him. I took a big gulp from my pint and shivered as the cold beer ran down my throat.

"Don't be like this Samantha,"

"What do you mean? You cheated on me and I have no rights to react like this?"

"I'm sorry Sam, but I love you,"

"If you did, you wouldn't have done what you did!"

The teary auburn model-like woman sitting at the corner of the island stormed off towards the exit, grudgingly fidgeting with the rickety faux-glass wooden pane door, and eventually leaving nothing but the ringing welcoming bells as a resonance to her exit. The air was still accompanied by the faint voice of the charming anchorman in the background as he continued his announcement uninterrupted by what had happened.

I looked towards my own mug of frosty beer and I shifted my gaze towards the handsome haggard-looking bartender who looked nonchalant to whatever that has happened. Though his swiftness and gracefulness in mending the bar and pouring the right concoction of mixtures of the best liquors for his guests had attracted regular customers to his bar, he still was unhappy. He looked as though he has lost something or maybe someone he had once known very well.

Absentmindedly, I pulled my hand towards my belly. My wet hand printed against the red flowery sundress I wore. Underneath the chiffon, I felt the growing bump. I closed my eyes. I am scared. Questions started running through my mind. What am I going to do? Am I able to provide the best for this child? Is it right for me to bring this miracle to such wounded world? Am I good enough for him?

"Don't be thinking too hard now, it's often not very healthy."

The bartender said as he placed a glass of water in front of me.

"This would be more suitable for you than this, lady," he confiscated my beer with a charming grin before I could even protest.

"How did you know?" 

He said nothing but grin as he continued meddling with the colorful mixtures behind his bar. I squinted my eyes trying to see as best as I can against the glaring spotlights, hoping to get a better look at him. But all I can see was his glimmering name tag eagerly proclaiming to anyone it sees, that his name is Jamie.

Jamie. I thought.

I suddenly felt a sharp ache in my head. The bar started to spin. The glass of water that I was holding in my hands, dived to the floor. A loud siren filled my ears canceling off the faint soothing anchorman's voice. I was in total darkness.

Inspirations. 

# 85. imissyou, ah kong.

in memories of

Hwa Chin Foong

1937- 2011

a scrawny little boy you were, clinging on tightly to the familiar warm hands of the only person whom you trust with your life in the midst of the taunting, unfriendly faces of strangers which filled every corner of your eyes. you knew you wouldn't go back home anymore, you knew you will never see that familiar smile of the beautiful 9 year old girl whom you call sister anymore, you knew you had to be strong and brave. and there you were, only about 80cm tall, tiptoeing from time to time, trying your best to see what holds before you as the creaky ship docks the pier. breathing in deeply the salty air as the soft breeze caressed your skin ever so lightly, you know that this will be your new home.

you hid and avoided men in uniform whenever possible. you looked ahead in pain, knowing that you couldn't do anything when the japs tortured young kids and women during the japanese settlement. your prayers were your last words every dawn as your tired eyes quietly gave in to slumber for your father's safety as he goes out for work. you were afraid yet so angry deep inside, taking each day as it pass.

holding your baby boy on your right hand, looking ahead reprimanding both your daughters to wash their tiny dirty hands to get ready for dinner. you called out for your eldest to help set the table and walked ahead to give your wife a tight embrace. your children jumped in joy when they saw what was for dinner; your best dish, chicken chop from the western restaurant that you worked in. a chef by day, a father by night.

you woke up before sunrise feeling giddy knowing that this is the one day that your children and their children return home to your side from worlds apart. you held in pride, the youngest member of your family, your baby granddaughter while you played with your eldest grandson helping him arrange the stacking blocks. you mindlessly looked ahead in the midst of your children's business without realising, the edges of your lips spread out wide from ear to ear. you were happy that your family is once again, together.

ah kong, you are a friend to me; a big kid who loves to play with us, who entertain us, who gave us abundance of laughter. you are a father to us; who worries, who teaches, who cares. you are a simple man; who lived simply, happy and loved. i missed the stories of the Japanese you've told me, i missed listening to your problems, i missed talking to you like we did whenever we can, i missed having you around the table for dinners, i missed hugging you just to see you blush, i missed teasing you, i missed your goofiness and most of all, i miss you, ah kong.

Inspirations.

# 84. always.

"How beautiful..." Those were the only two words that I can muster with all the energy that I have left as the last of the colorful balloons left my fingers.

It was dark and the constant undying symphony of the cricket hiss were the only company I had in the middle of the meadows that I have grew up with. I shivered as my fingers absent-mindedly traced every curve that was carved across the cold gold pendant I held dearly in my hand. Circling the cove of the heart-shaped pendant, I felt a pang of sadness. A wall of tears started forming at the corner of my eyes. I sat quietly in the middle of nothingness, drowned in my own sea of thoughts as the early morning zephyr caressed me ever so softly against my skin.

It was a fine evening when I was trailing the fallen leaves in the middle of Worchestershire, feeling as though the whole world didn't matter. I remembered vividly the cool breeze that I felt against my skin and the brown leaves which were performing its dance recital. I was 25 then, feeling lost and restless, I fled my country looking for a home that I have never had back in the States. I was lost in my own thoughts, amused with everything around me and that was when I saw you. You were gazing into the neverending auburn forest, with such depth in your ocean blue eyes; a look that was so foreign to me. I stopped in my steps, and fidgeted for my camera but it was then when I felt your touch for the very first time. I was startled by your touch but your hand, covered with fresh scars and bruises was ever so gentle. And with that single touch, it was the beginning of our story, a stranger from half way around the world became the only person that has ever captured my heart.

it has been three months since the emotionless man in uniform stood on our doorstep holding a letter stamped by the government. ever since that very day, my puffy eyes stubbornly give in to slumber only at dawn hoping to once again feel your presence keeping me warm in a winter's night. your soft scent lingering in this four walls lets me know that you are still around. i slowly but surely found a home that i have been longing for in your familiar embrace that i dearly miss. it was you who held my hands and steered my tired aimless soul back to path. but you have left me.

you are a hero. you fought against the lump growing behind your brain and triumphed. never once did i see that charming grin of yours leave your beautiful face. you ran into the collapsing building only wanting to give life to the many children who are now in their universities. you've traveled the distance only to tear down the walls which guarded my heart so fiercely so that i could live again. you are everyone's hero, you are my hero.

i remembered when you last held me in your strong arms. your voice softly told me that you will have to do this. deep down, i know that you have to go. i pulled your arms closer to myself and i looked up at your chiseled face through my swollen eyes. you smiled sadly at me but your sincere deep ocean blue eyes never fail to remind me of the very reason why i fell in love with you. i know you will always be with me.

every morning was a battlefield for me. knowing that you will never be downstairs making my favorite waffles, or wishing me a great day before i leave the house for work or kissing me to sleep every night made it all the more difficult for me to leave my bed, my only solitary getaway. it was then, the doorbell rang. a total mess, i reluctantly left the bed to answer the door only to find a simple white envelope lying infront of the porch. it was the last letter you sent from Iraq. i was thrilled, i ripped the edges opened. a piece of paper and the locket you gave me for our wedding fall off. i held the paper in hand. it was the first picture i took of you in the forest. as i flipped it to the back, your familiar handwriting said "be there on your birthday" and the three words i have missed so much, i love you.

it was already the 26th. i rummaged through my belongings and hurriedly flew on the first flight back to Worchesthershire. the familiar roads and buildings greeted me with warmth. it was a different time from when we met. the flowers were blossoming and everyone was welcoming. i woke up early even before the sunrise on the 28th and made my way to the familiar trees. the temperature was rising as i hurriedly brisked to where we first met. i stopped in my steps. it was so beautiful. countless of balloons were planted amongst the blossoming flowers and the proud trees. i once again, felt you.

i will always remember the beautiful line of the unchanging auburn trees against the tall and muscular silhouette which soon be one that I would miss for the remaining years of my life.

an original piano piece by Au Jo Yi.

Inspirations.

by

melaniehwa.