# 87.

photo by sergey1984

With a heavy sigh, the tips of my lids shut tightly, shielding me from the gray sky shadowing above me. I saw your chiseled face and I remembered your cheeky smile. I remembered how I traced the edges of your strong jawline and how I couldn't help but to giggle along side with you as you held me tight in your embrace. I missed you.

It wasn't a fairy tale story; there weren't any carriages, there wasn't any fairy godmother, and there isn't any singing rodents at sight. It was by chance, that we have met, that we have shared what we had, that we are where we are today. We were both broken souls; wandering aimlessly through life, clinging on to the hope of something better. Scared and jaded, distant from what would seem too good to be true.

I remembered your fingers interlacing mine as we laid together, sharing our thoughts and I felt understood. I remembered you smiling goofily as you ran across the streets, like a child, eager to find out about the secret I just told you. You came back frowning, discouraged with what you knew. But you did not realize that you put a smile on my face. I remembered your gaze deeply lost into a sea of thoughts, amazed with what stood before you; a gaze I know so fondly of, a gaze that I myself shared. You held my hand, and you pulled me close to you. I am scared, flustered, but yet it all felt so right. I know I've found you.

I now sit here, wondering what could have been if things were handled differently. I couldn't help but to question why and how did I meet you. At the moment of my despair, I found you. You were different, you were what I have been looking for. I was lost for words. I was paralyzed. I was scared of the unknown and I have never met someone like you. Someone who hold true to who you are. But then again, things didn't work out as how I would want it to be. I had no regrets nor am I in angst. Knowing that I have already met someone so close to perfection, I am left wondering if I could find another you. I guess, I have no choice but to miss you and to go on with life wishing that I would heal in time for the next guy to sweep me off my feet. I'm not worried, but it is just the power of a broken heart that is slowly but surely healing itself.

Inspirations.

#79. What is love?

picture by julkusiowa

I remembered that my little toes wiggled in excitement as I happily stood still when my mother dressed me up in my new pink princess-like dress. I feel as though I was the prettiest girl in the world at that moment. I was getting ready for my third birthday party and that day, I secretly wished that my prince charming would appear on his beautiful white horse and carry me away in his strong arms and live happily ever after. That I was told to believe in when I was three, young and naive.

I remembered that I couldn't help but to touch the crown of purple and white roses which felt so soft and subtle on my head as I walked down the white aisle behind my dear aunt, who I thought, had never looked anymore beautiful than she did that day. She was dressed in a graceful, long white dress with detailed designs made of shiny pearl white sequins, hair dressed up in a clean bun, eyes sparkling, edges of her lips reaching the sides of her ears as she walked towards the man of her dreams. That was when I was nine and I witnessed recruited true love.

I remembered when I looked straight into his puppy doe eyes, I felt as though nothing else mattered in the whole wide world. Every single time when his fingers link mine, my heart skips a beat. Every time our lips touches, nothing in the world could explain that feeling, not even fireworks. Every moment we shared, was simple and sincere. That was what I experienced when I was sixteen, an innocent first love.

I remembered that my heart was pounding and tears were rolling down my cheeks every time I see my parents quarreling and arguing. I remembered my mother's horrid-stricken face, tired and sad, trying her best to hold me and my sisters close to her, preventing my father from hurting us. I dreamt every day and night, the horrendous angry looking face that my father had every day when he drunkly steps into the front door of our house, reprimanding my mother and demanding for more beer. I was still in my college years, only twenty, when I stopped believing in marriage.

I remembered I was alone in my room, trying to keep my voice down, sobbing against my pillows as the picture of my fiancee cheating on me in a hotel room with another girl painfully popped up in my head. Those sweet memories that we shared, years of growing and learning together, smiles and laughters, and dreams of building a future together, all doesn't seem to mean a thing any more. I was twenty six when I stopped believing in love.

So love, was supposed to be the only thing that matters in the whole world, the key to making the world seem much more bearable regardless the evil in the world. Love, so fragile and pure, is also something that many had lost faith upon. So, what is love then?

Inspirations.

# 47. Back to Basics.

i simply love the age old picture above. looking at how young my brothers and i were, i remembered how we used to play together, teased one another, argued, fought, hugged and cried together compared to how we all grew matured and into lives of our own. my eldest brother; having a stable job, beautiful house, and is getting married in a few days time, my annoying-pesky second brother; has been studying and then working in the States, just came back home after 2 long years, and me; well, i'm currently doing my degree in Kampar and is trying out any opportunity offered in life. i realised how less we talk lately and how much we grew apart. i realised how old my parents have grown and i understand how lonely they must have felt. i saw shimmering tears lingering in both my parents' beautiful eyes when they saw this picture-currently my wallpaper- and i saw how excited their eyes lit up whenever they started talking about our younger days.

my parents said that the three of us are of different personalities. the eldest; careful, good, respects authority, shy and timid, the middle; annoying, mischievous, cheeky and cuddly, the youngest; brave, determined, careless, adventurous, a do-er, a dreamer, fragile yet strong. i guess, those words reflect exactly who we are till this very day. i realised, who we are, since we are babies, are who we truly are deep down under our skin-despite slight changes and modifications due to life lessons learnt. i know no matter how a person changed and no matter how someone felt lost and astray, you still have that person in you, you've just forgotten that you are that person.

i am a person who never say never. if theres an obstacle in front of me, i'll crawl, climb, move, dig, do whatever it takes, to overcome it. believe me, my mum said when i was as little as a few months old, i started climbing over the baby cot, no matter how hard and high just to get out. i always fall off the barricades and hurt myself. yes, i tend to fall and get hurt a lot when i was young. i am fragile but yet strong. my grandma used to tell me that i used to be really really fragile-like. i can simply fall by just walking by myself on a straight road, which explains my bruises as well, but as small as i am, i am able to move a 10kg packet of rice. i love exploring and i love freedom as well as learning and understanding new things. i never liked being grounded and locked up by anything, for example the baby cot, and i started speaking even before i was 1 year old-compared to my brothers;1++ and 4++ respectively.

so yeah, listening to all those little little things which made a huge mark in my parent's memories brought tears of happiness to my eyes as well. how silly and how kids say the darnest things. i realised that things used to be so much easier and simple back then. where we can run and explore without worries. even if we fall, we would climb back up, wipe away the dirt and that little tear in our eyes, and continue running around with that same wide smile pasted on our faces as before. how fear used to be only scoldings from mummy and daddy. how we were carefree and brave, pure and innocent, new and fresh to the harshness and coldness of life. i wish to be able to turn back time. hell, i remember that i've always wanted to grow up fast because i felt that being a child, i am restricted to a lot of things-like i've said, i'm adventurous and i love to explore things in life- and now, how much i would give up just to go back to the days where i used to fight with my brothers, we used to play hide-and-go-seek, how i used to play imagination games with them, how they did not let me touch their GI Joe figurines and how i used to always try to fit in with my brothers-we have a huge age gap. i missed those simpler days and by simply thinking about it, reminded me of who i am and my priorities as well as what matters in life.

Inspirations.

# 43. for you.

i've once written a post about how much i love you.

i still do love you and it hurts hell lot.

i don't know what happened and

i don't know what i can do or say.

all i know is even though it is the second time round, it did not hurt

less instead, it hurts more.

tissue papers filled the floor, pillows stained with tears, eyes puffy, everything that is in my heart has been said, but it still hurts.

all that is in my mind right now is how happy we were.

how i love it that you were patient and not pushy.

how you slowly but surely melted my heart and broke down those walls i built up.

how you've came back and made things right.

how i wish that you'll come back and make things right again.

how i am wrong and how i wish to have not done any of those things.

how i wish to be able to just rewind back to a few days earlier and to make things right.

how i wish to be able to hold you in my arms again, telling me that it is okay.

how i wish to know that you've been unhappy and how i wish to make

them all go away for you.

how i wish to take away all our stupid arguments and to promise you to never have them again.

how i just want you to know that i am truly happy with you.

i am confused, i do not understand but all i know is it hurts.

i know things will be better.

i know that we'll eventually move on and all this will be a distant past.

but i still don't understand what really happened.

when we both love each other and it has been proved by us being together so many times, that we can work things out.

i don't know what i can do or what i can say anymore.

all i know is that it hurts and i love you.

*ps. christmas wasn't christmas this year. i've said it last year that it was my favourite time of the year, even better than my birthday. but the christmas mood missed me this year. i had fun with my friends and i was happy. but it just doesn't feel like christmas. call me grinch but yeah. this is to a better 2010.

*pss. "Apologising does not mean that I'm wrong and you are right... It simply means that I value the relationship more than my ego.."- Joe Tham.

Inspirations.

# 31. Love.

What is love? Many people who walked upon this earth wondered the exact words to describe this feeling which is so wonderful and yet it is being feared by so many people. Someone once told me that love is as easy as 1+1=2. I reacted as though I disagree. I asked him for more only wanting to listen to his voice. Secretly inside of me, I agreed. Love is simply as simple as 1+1=2.

Love isn't complicated. It isn't a mathematical equation, it isn't rocket science. There is no explanation to what is love. It is just simple. It is an affectionate feeling towards someone or something. Even a little 2 year old know what love is. How he would cry when his favorite pet is sick, or how he would comfort his mother when he sees her sad. No one had ever taught him to love. He just knew. Like you and me. That is love.

I've always believed that there is a special someone out there that God has installed for me and you. It is not easy to find someone you love and loves you back. Finding love is not as easy as ABC. For those who've learned probability, tell me, what are the odds of having to find someone you love in this world? and that someone who loves you back equally much? (Mind you, the current population in today's world is 6.78 billion.) Many people might feel that it is no big deal, losing someone that you’re with right now. I have 10 more others who loves me out there. In another month or so, I will find another one. But do you love that person as much as you loved the one that you've lost? Will things be the same? Love does not come easily. Once you've found it, appreciate and fight for the one you love. Their every smile and laughter will automatically lift your day. The idea of living another day without them would be unbearable.

Having to have found your soul mate, you will automatically want to build a family and spend the rest of your lives together but arguments, compromise and commitment are sure enough to follow. This isn't easy. No, not at all, but again, love is what that glues us together. Every flaw of your mate will be magnified, but loving each other is not about changing them but is to accept their flaws for who they are. No one is perfect. Not even you and me. Doing this, you will learn that their flaws are what you are attracted to in the first place. Love is not perfect, it is simplicity.

I've once heard this, when you are old and white-haired, sitting on the rocking chair, resting, the clearest memories of your younger days that you will have is not of how you were a renowned supermodel in the world, it is not of the huge empire of success that you have built, but it is of the things which are simple, the days when you sit under the stars with your love, the days when you play and run around with your children, the days when you sit side by side, hand in hand with your thinning-white haired husband. It is not the destination that matters but the journey that you have shared with someone you love.

So back to my question, what is love? I honestly do not have an exact answer to it. But I believe that is something that everyone treasures, something that isn't an accident, something that will never be lost. It is a bond, a special feeling that holds us together.

Inspirations.

# 27. for you.

you are the one that i wish to open my eyes to every single morning.

you make me smile idiotically everytime your eyes meet mine.

you make the butterflies in my stomach flutter everytime your skin touches mine.
you are different, different from others that i know, that scares me a lot but you never stop trying to reassure me.
every single second apart from you makes my heart grow fonder to yours.

your strong angular shoulders ever so ready for me to lean on.

you are the one who can make my heart pump faster and slower altogether.

you inspire change in me, making me blossom into someone better, closer to perfection.

your voice that ring into my ears somehow knows its ways into making my heart feel better.

you are the one whom i wish to tell my every highs and lows.

you are the only one who can make me lose my cool and gain it back all in a split second.

you make me feel so safe everytime my hand fit ever so perfectly into yours.

i would go the distance, just to see a smile pasted on your chiseled, perfect face.

i am ever so ready to listen to every of your heart's cry and problems.

a strange yet so wonderful giddy feeling arise deep down inside of me every single time your lips curls up in to a smile.
just being in your embrace makes me feel warm and at home.

having to say goodbye to you is the hardest part of the day for me.

a tug in my heart so strong, tells me that i want you so much.

i wonder everyday, when and how did i fall in love with you.

but all of that doesn't really matter anymore, as long as i have you in my arms.

we ain't perfect, but i am willing to try.
i love you, baby.

ps. was waiting for the right perfect time to post this up, when im perfectly sure i meant every single word i said and when you are worthy of every word. but i guess, the time will never come anymore. i am posting this up because, i wrote it for you and will finish what i have intended to do.

Inspirations.

# 21. Man's best friend.

As I strolled aimlessly across the beautiful sunsetting beach, every little tiny grain of sand rubbed softly against the very skin of my bare feet, making me sink deeper and deeper into my own sorrowful world. My brain was filled with many thoughts. I felt as though as I was drowning in my very own world. I suddenly felt a soft warm furry body against my legs, circling me and caressing me. I broke off from my own deep thoughts. I looked down, and I saw a beautiful white Indian Spitz. I bent down, my hands immediately navigated its way around its white fur. It was jumping up and down, delirous. I petted its head and I stood up, my legs started pacing faster and faster, I turned my head, looking backwards and I saw its white proudful mane flaring as it ran against the strong wind towards me. Its tiny little legs were so swift, it caught up with me in a matter of seconds. I immediately carried it into my arms and I rolled down on the soft white sand. As I looked into it, I saw my reflection in its eyes, I was smiling. And that day changed my whole life forever.

Days and nights passed. Work and eat and sleep. Everyday seems so robotic, nothing ever really changes. People come and go. New gadgets and the latest fashion updates itself every now and then. Everything seems so unpredictable, so unworthy of living, uncertain. But it was always here, beside me, loyal and faithful. Whenever tears flooded my eyes, it will just cuddle up with me quietly and patiently. Whenever I'm upset and angry, it never failed to put a smile in my face. Whenever I'm happy, it knows and it will share my happiness with absolute joy. Whenever I fall down, my hero in shining white fur will never fail to come and pick me up. Whenever I am in danger and in harm, it will give it all and fence me from them. It's love is so strong that no matter what, I know that I always will have it to lean back on.

It's fur started to drop more and more. As years passed, it is not as vibrant and as swift as it used to be. It gets tired easily even just with a little exercise. I sat on a resting chair across a fireplace in my living room, sipping hot chocolate in a cold winter day. I looked down beside my chair. Its wide eyes staring back at me with full adoration and love. My heart immediately felt warmth that gave birth to a genuine smile plastered on my face. I automatically petted its head and I continued stroking its white fur up and down. My eyes started to close and I was fast asleep. Dawn arise and when I opened my eyes, it was another new day. I stood up, strecthing my arms, yawning and when I was done, I smiled, having thought of my precious up in my head. I looked down at it. Its eyes were closed. I bent down. Wanting to wake it up, I decided pet it and give it a gentle push but all I felt was a cold, stiff body. I was shocked. I shook it harder. It remained still. I broke down. I held its body so close to me, hoping with every fibre of muscle in me that it will just jump awake but with no avail. It hit me that I have lost someone who really love me, my very best friend, whom I love equally much.

*ps. In the loving memory of Zero.
*pss. I've always wanted to write a post about dogs. I love doggies a whole lot and now is never the best time for this post.

Inspirations.

# 20. Of a father's love.

day one.

he carried me in his arms, proud and happy. the edges of his lips smiling from one edge to the other. his eyes looking deep into the identical but tiny version of mine, and at that very moment, he made me a promise that he vowed to keep forever, that is to shower me with all the love in the world. i responded with nothing but a tiny giggle and that was one of the most memorable days of his life.

day onethousandtwohundredandnine.
he was holding me so tight, throwing me up and down, a smile so wide pasted upon his face and i was laughing at the top of my lungs. i was delirious. he put me down on my feet and i immediately ran around, striding the beautiful green grass leaving my tiny little tracks along the way. he was trying to keep up with my pace, trying to catch me. i was running as fast as my tiny legs can carry me. suddenly, i tripped and i fell. i felt this enormous pain hitting the very skin of my knee. the pain was unbearable. immediately, tears started forming in my eyes and i cried. his strong arms immediately wrapped around me, lifting me up and his gentle hands automatically made its way towards my wounds. he's comforting voice shhush-ed me and it ensured me that everything will be okay.

day fivethousandsixhundredandthirtythree.
"Byeee." tears were rolling uncontrollably down my soft, tear-stained cheeks as i painfully returned the reciever back to its respective place. my heart was aching as her words,"Our 9 year long friendship doesn't mean anything to me." continued playing painfully up in my head, as though it was on repeat mode. i just got off the phone with my closest best friend who mattered a lot to me. i walked across the hall, making my way back to my room with all the energy and courage left, putting up a face for my familly to see. but he knew, without a word or a question, he laid his arms around me, holding me so close to him that the very energy and courage that i have to pull my self together, evaporated and i broke down, sobbing uncontrollably but this time, i know that things will get better because no matter what, i have him to give me the strength to carry through.

day eightthousandonehundred.
i was standing as straight as i possibly can, head held high, a proud smile plastered across my face. i was holding a piece of beautifully rolled paper, tied with a yellow ribbon. i was wearing a big, huge robe and a graduation cap was handsomely rested on my head. there he stood amongst the crowd. his joy and pride was so so much that even me, standing across the room, was able to feel it. after the ceremony was done, he was the first one to rushed up to give me the biggest hug ever. as he pulled back, a little tear was seen in his beautiful eyes, a tear of joy.

day ninethousandonehundredandeightyfour.
there he stood. so handsome in his tuxedo suit, he handed out his arm in the most gentleman-like way, and i hooked his arm in response to what he did. i was so nervous, my hands were shivering, he without wasting a second, immediately placed his other hand on mine. as we walked down the aisle, arm in arm, walking towards the man of my dreams, i knew, that i was the luckiest woman on earth, to have found two men who love me with all their life. as he passed my hands to my other half, he looked deeply into my eyes with tears of happiness and joy, he hugged me and whispered, "I'm so proud of you and I will always love you." and i whispered back, "I love you, daddy."

*ps. i would love to dedicate this post to my daddy.
*pss. Happy Father's day to all fathers in the world in advance.

Inspirations.