Thursday, September 6, 2012

#88. Lost.

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You woke up every morning, eyes staring widely upon the white ceiling above you, and you suddenly felt as though it had been a very long time since the last time you remembered feeling truly safe and happy. You realized the liquidity and the constant change in the people you go out with and the people you place your trust upon. And you suddenly find yourself craving dearly for something you can cling tightly upon, hoping to once again, find that utopia that you once thought was the world to you. You then let out a loud sigh, feeling helpless, cause you know now that that utopia had never existed in the first place.

You then realized, what is the point of looking backwards when all you need to do is to look forward. You thought you'd feel better, but then you realized you don't know what is there to look forward to. Success, achievements, big fat pay cheques; you were taught that those were the yardstick to happiness. Then you realized, that even though achieving the big three, happiness is still not within grasp. You feel lost, not knowing what you want or who you are anymore. 

You grew up learning more about yourself but at the very same time, you realized you have never felt all the more lost. You stubbornly cling on to your beliefs feeling that that is all you have left, you promised yourself to not lose that person who you once thought you were, not wanting to succumb to the gray world that we all live in today. Never understanding unkindness, never understanding betrayal and hurt, you never gave up holding on tightly to the tiny glint of hope that genuine kindness still exist amongst each other. Then you realized that everyone feels the same way as you do. You realized that everyone shed a little bit of themselves as the day pass by. You realized that everyone had just given up and learnt to be more selfish over time. And you realized that you don't blame them simply cause they are just as scared as you are.

You then started to run. Seeking for comfort in temporal things. You hide yourself away. You closed the doors to your heart and to your mind. You started to shy away from things that seemed too good to be true. You shield yourself from people you care about. You wished you could fly away. You learned to act nonchalant about your problems. You buried your tears with a crooked smile hoping that the fear and the hurt would go away and that you will find yourself again one fine day. Then, you realized that life is what made you, who you are today. 

You believed that there is more to life and you held on to that belief, day after day, year after year. You  cling on to the comforting idea of hope the diverse world have to offer. You know that you would eventually go with hopes that by submerging yourself in to the pool of lost souls in the world, you will once again, find yourself. You grasped on to that promise but fearful of what you might find or worse, what you might not find. But you know, you will still survive regardless, simply cause you know you are a fighter deep down. But then again, till that day comes, you wonder who would you be?


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