Thursday, September 6, 2012

#88. Lost.

picture by

You woke up every morning, eyes staring widely upon the white ceiling above you, and you suddenly felt as though it had been a very long time since the last time you remembered feeling truly safe and happy. You realized the liquidity and the constant change in the people you go out with and the people you place your trust upon. And you suddenly find yourself craving dearly for something you can cling tightly upon, hoping to once again, find that utopia that you once thought was the world to you. You then let out a loud sigh, feeling helpless, cause you know now that that utopia had never existed in the first place.

You then realized, what is the point of looking backwards when all you need to do is to look forward. You thought you'd feel better, but then you realized you don't know what is there to look forward to. Success, achievements, big fat pay cheques; you were taught that those were the yardstick to happiness. Then you realized, that even though achieving the big three, happiness is still not within grasp. You feel lost, not knowing what you want or who you are anymore. 

You grew up learning more about yourself but at the very same time, you realized you have never felt all the more lost. You stubbornly cling on to your beliefs feeling that that is all you have left, you promised yourself to not lose that person who you once thought you were, not wanting to succumb to the gray world that we all live in today. Never understanding unkindness, never understanding betrayal and hurt, you never gave up holding on tightly to the tiny glint of hope that genuine kindness still exist amongst each other. Then you realized that everyone feels the same way as you do. You realized that everyone shed a little bit of themselves as the day pass by. You realized that everyone had just given up and learnt to be more selfish over time. And you realized that you don't blame them simply cause they are just as scared as you are.

You then started to run. Seeking for comfort in temporal things. You hide yourself away. You closed the doors to your heart and to your mind. You started to shy away from things that seemed too good to be true. You shield yourself from people you care about. You wished you could fly away. You learned to act nonchalant about your problems. You buried your tears with a crooked smile hoping that the fear and the hurt would go away and that you will find yourself again one fine day. Then, you realized that life is what made you, who you are today. 

You believed that there is more to life and you held on to that belief, day after day, year after year. You  cling on to the comforting idea of hope the diverse world have to offer. You know that you would eventually go with hopes that by submerging yourself in to the pool of lost souls in the world, you will once again, find yourself. You grasped on to that promise but fearful of what you might find or worse, what you might not find. But you know, you will still survive regardless, simply cause you know you are a fighter deep down. But then again, till that day comes, you wonder who would you be?


Friday, August 31, 2012

# 87.

photo by sergey1984

With a heavy sigh, the tips of my lids shut tightly, shielding me from the gray sky shadowing above me. I saw your chiseled face and I remembered your cheeky smile. I remembered how I traced the edges of your strong jawline and how I couldn't help but to giggle along side with you as you held me tight in your embrace. I missed you.

It wasn't a fairy tale story; there weren't any carriages, there wasn't any fairy godmother, and there isn't any singing rodents at sight. It was by chance, that we have met, that we have shared what we had, that we are where we are today. We were both broken souls; wandering aimlessly through life, clinging on to the hope of something better. Scared and jaded, distant from what would seem too good to be true.

I remembered your fingers interlacing mine as we laid together, sharing our thoughts and I felt understood. I remembered you smiling goofily as you ran across the streets, like a child, eager to find out about the secret I just told you. You came back frowning, discouraged with what you knew. But you did not realize that you put a smile on my face. I remembered your gaze deeply lost into a sea of thoughts, amazed with what stood before you; a gaze I know so fondly of, a gaze that I myself shared. You held my hand, and you pulled me close to you. I am scared, flustered, but yet it all felt so right. I know I've found you.

I now sit here, wondering what could have been if things were handled differently. I couldn't help but to question why and how did I meet you. At the moment of my despair, I found you. You were different, you were what I have been looking for. I was lost for words. I was paralyzed. I was scared of the unknown and I have never met someone like you. Someone who hold true to who you are. But then again, things didn't work out as how I would want it to be. I had no regrets nor am I in angst. Knowing that I have already met someone so close to perfection, I am left wondering if I could find another you. I guess, I have no choice but to miss you and to go on with life wishing that I would heal in time for the next guy to sweep me off my feet. I'm not worried, but it is just the power of a broken heart that is slowly but surely healing itself.


Monday, July 23, 2012

# 86. Sans de La Vie. Chapter 2.

Chapter 2.
It was the election period. A small 15 inch idiot box located amongst tiers of dusty shelves housing hundreds of brewed alcohol from all over the world and some even possibly older than I am, projected the voice of a self-assured, confident man, probably in his early thirties. Though calm and unbias throughout his announcement on the latest updates about the current presidential run, I can almost be certain that this man had his hands down for the Republicans.

A trucker was sitting across the bar; his bulging belly uncovered by his tight grease stained tee, holding chilled beer in one hand, and the other, busy mending to his temples, massaging them. His eyes focused as though he is lost in a dimension no one else know of but him. I took a big gulp from my pint and shivered as the cold beer ran down my throat.

"Don't be like this Samantha,"
"What do you mean? You cheated on me and I have no rights to react like this?"
"I'm sorry Sam, but I love you,"
"If you did, you wouldn't have done what you did!"

The teary auburn model-like woman sitting at the corner of the island stormed off towards the exit, grudgingly fidgeting with the rickety faux-glass wooden pane door, and eventually leaving nothing but the ringing welcoming bells as a resonance to her exit. The air was still accompanied by the faint voice of the charming anchorman in the background as he continued his announcement uninterrupted by what had happened.

I looked towards my own mug of frosty beer and I shifted my gaze towards the handsome haggard-looking bartender who looked nonchalant to whatever that has happened. Though his swiftness and gracefulness in mending the bar and pouring the right concoction of mixtures of the best liquors for his guests had attracted regular customers to his bar, he still was unhappy. He looked as though he has lost something or maybe someone he had once known very well.

Absentmindedly, I pulled my hand towards my belly. My wet hand printed against the red flowery sundress I wore. Underneath the chiffon, I felt the growing bump. I closed my eyes. I am scared. Questions started running through my mind. What am I going to do? Am I able to provide the best for this child? Is it right for me to bring this miracle to such wounded world? Am I good enough for him?

"Don't be thinking too hard now, it's often not very healthy."

The bartender said as he placed a glass of water in front of me.

"This would be more suitable for you than this, lady," he confiscated my beer with a charming grin before I could even protest.

"How did you know?" 

He said nothing but grin as he continued meddling with the colorful mixtures behind his bar. I squinted my eyes trying to see as best as I can against the glaring spotlights, hoping to get a better look at him. But all I can see was his glimmering name tag eagerly proclaiming to anyone it sees, that his name is Jamie.

Jamie. I thought.

I suddenly felt a sharp ache in my head. The bar started to spin. The glass of water that I was holding in my hands, dived to the floor. A loud siren filled my ears canceling off the faint soothing anchorman's voice. I was in total darkness.